10 Dating Tips From Your Therapist
Article Written By: Alexandra Janelli
gerund or present participle: dating
1. establish or ascertain the date of (an object or event).
A date is not dating. Dating is about two people meeting to determine whether they would like to be in a relationship over a period of time. Multiple dates does not ensure that one will end up dating or in a relationship. There is no insurance in dating. This requires the participation of two people. When entering into dating one must try to let go of their end goal of being in a relationship as it can skew the true process of determining whether the person is truly worthy of being accepted as the proper candidate for the position.
Lets face it, dating you is an important role in your life. You certainly could let anyone fill that position, but forever is a long time to waste when its not Mr. or Miss Right. Assume you own a company. You wouldn't just let anyone be your righthand man, would you? Why should dating you be any different. If your goal is Marriage, Kids, or even just-for-fun, we hope these tips can help you obtain your objective in an objective way!
1. If you dont love yourself, why should anyone else love you.
When entering into a relationship you need to be centered and standing strong and tall. If you come into a date or a relationship needy, insecure, or not liking you, you come in leaning. Leaning on someone can lead to falling flat on your face when that support moves. But if you come in knowing who you are, knowing whatever happens you will be ok, and that forever is a long time to "try and make it work" then even when that person leaves you are still left standing.
2. You don't Have to make it work.
I work with many men and women who go into dating thinking "I have to make them like me." If the spark isn't there you are going to be putting a lot of effort into trying to get someone to like you in a false manner. Offering sex, sending dirty pictures, etc might get you a temporary attention from that certain someone, but is it really getting them to like you as a person? What you should really be asking is
- Do I like who I am when I am with them?
- Do they bring out the best or worst in me?
- Do I feel comfortable?
- Is the conversation easy?
Think about YOU! Dating is about getting to known someone. Not making it work right away.
3. we are humans not mind readers. Speak up!
We have all done "it". Sat across the table holding our tongues acting upset at something someone did or didn't do. We expect them to respond in the way we want them to. Then they don't and you leave angry or upset only later to act out with anger PUSHING the person away. If something upsets you, say something. You don't have to do it in an aggressive manner. Your feelings aren't facts, but they are how you feel. If someone is going do degrade how you feel and make them illegitimate then maybe you don't really want to be with them. The ability to communicate is key. It's not about the BLAME GAME of you did this and your a dick. Its about saying "hey, I doubt this was your intention but this made me feel X, Y, and Z. I hope that isn't the case, but I feel its important I speak up because I don't want this to affect us moving forward." Even if they walk away, this is all good dating data about your potential candidate.
4. Anyone who is single has the same relationship success rate of 0%
Stop beating yourself up that you are still single. You are not alone. In fact, every single person out there has the same success rate of 0% (100% fail rate) as you! BUT, your probability of being in a relationship and dating increases the more you put yourself out there. Dating is hard. Don't make the assumption that finding Mr. Right is so easy. Again, you are interviewing for your forever person! Make sure its right!
5. All Dates are good dating data for you.
Dating is learning. Learning is knowledge. Knowledge gives you information on getting toward your goal. Even if there isn't a spark on one side or both sides of the date, that doesn't mean that person isn't worth your time! I have been on many dates where there was no spark, but I learned a lot about that person and maybe information on an industry or something I didn't know about before.In fact, I made a lot of friends going on dates. The first date is like an interview. Its not always romantic. It's ok to not have the spark. Being honest with the person about it saves you both a lot of headache. Dont play the "oh I am just not ready to date" card. You spare no one any heart ache by beating around the bush. Heck, maybe Mr. or Ms. X isn't right for you, but maybe they would be great for a friend! Pay it forward! Karma is King. Learn about what made it a good or bad date. What about them did you overlook before the date? Becoming better at the vetting processes and asking the right questions prior to the date is key!
6. alone doesn't have to be lonely
No one wants to be alone forever. Companionship and partnership can give us purpose and make us feel connected. But just because you are alone, doesn't mean you have to be lonely! Being with you can be a pleasurable experience. In fact, you can be the best company to you then anyone else in the world. When life gets hard, and I promise you it will from time to time, take some time to do things that make you feel special. Give yourself the gift of learning to like you. Your power of knowing who you are, ALL PARTS OF YOU GOOD AND BAD, will help you navigate tough times in a relationship too. Don't be afraid to get to know yourself better. Even the worst parts of you can be improved upon.
7. You don't have to be over someone to start moving forward
You don't need to be over someone to move on. However, you cant keep holding on to them either while you do. Process and learn from the experience. Your heart is a sensitive place with many compartments that can be occupied by different people. You don't have to ever forget them. In fact, you would be wise not to. Those people held a place in your heart at one point or another. If we wiped them clean from your mind you would probably make the same mistake over and over again. Maybe you have, but its time to start trying something new.
Don't make the mistake that going through a breakup or being rejected doesn't suck. IT DOES! You are supposed to feel something. You are human. You have emotions. But what can you learn from them. The more you bury them down, the more they will come up and attack you when another rejection happens. Just because one person rejected you doesn't mean its a finite TRUTH. Keep moving forward. That place in your heart will be full again when you meet someone new that you really like. But dont do it to REPLACE someone. Move forward to show yourself you don't have to wallow as a victim to a failed relationship.
8. put up an honest profile
(For online daters) It does you no good to put up pictures of you that are from years ago or at different weight. You will be found out upon meeting. Do you really want to start dating with being dishonest? If you dont like who you are now, then work on it. While you might be overweight thats OK! The NORM might trend toward skinny, but there ARE people who like things outside the norm! If you are honest with who you are you, you up your chance of finding people who like you for you.
9. Figure out your NEGOTIABLE and NONNEGOTIABLE
Simply Put: Ask for what you want. Many of us have been online dating and come across the girl or guy who says "I am not looking for a relationship. I am looking to have fun." Do NOT think you are going to change them. While it might seem disgusting or off-putting to you, these people are doing something right. They are specifically asking for what they want. They want sex. And you know what, while its not the norm of what people are looking for on an online dating site, there are people who are also looking for the same thing! BOOM they get a match much easier. Want kids? its a waste of time to date someone who doesnt or isnt sure. Before wasting your time on a date that is "HOT" think about did you ask the right questions about if they really match your negotiable and nonnegotiable? Your time is valuable. Stop wasting it or letting others waste it.
10. Stop playing the "I can fix them card"
People have issues. We all have them. We are innate caretakers and helpers. But people dont just change cause you ask them to. People change when they are ready, when they want to, and have a pure motivation to help themselves. Sometimes pushing someone to get help, fix them, or being selfless can lead to actually making the other person feel really bad. Showing them all the things that are wrong with them, and making them feel they aren't strong enough, smart enough, or good enough to help themselves. Its a viscous circle. While you can certainly support someone while they go through something, don't become their therapist! Once you set the roles in the relationship it can be a hard one to break. You might even find you give your all and are left with nothing!